Young Writers Society

Hello!

RandomTalks here with a short review!

This was a rather interesting story. I liked the mythological influence that was evident throughout the story, making it feel like one of those classical stories you read in children's books. I liked how despite not having a single particular plot, you go around narrating many connected stories where there really is no main character, but rather many characters with their own share of importance in the story. I still like the simple messages you manage to convey by the end, and it wraps up into a solid story that is easy to follow as well.

he first was born with the Cast of Life, a deity of prosperity, life and joy; his name “Ethestes”. Ethestes’ brother was his opposite. Hladomor, the twin of Ethestes, had a Cast of Darkness, something unheard of.

I like how you have presented the two sides of a coin here. I have read many stories that have gone down a similar road, portraying two sides - one as the good and other as the evil. However, I liked the fact that while you maintained the boundaries between the sides, you gave us a good glimpse into them both. Just as we saw Ethestes rise to fame and love, we also saw Hladomor's fall to shame. We were a part of both their journeys and I liked the fact that we actually got to understand why Hladomor became that way. The focus was not on the 'good' this time, but on why the 'evil' became bad and I liked the way you adopted a neutral tone while narrating the entire story. It straightened the various themes for the readers and gave them the freedom to form their own opinions.

And so Aldur began to ready his son.

I liked the fact that the story involves so many characters, some of whom only have an external influence to the plot. And yet, they all have an established presence in the plot. We can move from one character to the other without feeling disbalanced and I like how it all ties together seamlessly. Even when some characters like the Empress end up assuming a bigger role much later after their initial introduction, it still does not disrupt the flow of the story. For example, since we were mostly following the road of the 'evil side', I thought we would explore it with the young Emperor Kane who clearly has been portrayed as the darker other half of his sister. However, I was pleasantly surprised when the story veered in a different course, and we abandoned that plot line to follow the sister who rises amidst terrible grief and pain and manages to step up as the Empress of the people.

Things you can improve:

Not only were there two born of the same infinity, but one of them was the manifestation of the very thing all Caeli fought against.

The Divine realm was in uproar. Not only were there two Caeli born within the same infinity, but one of them was the manifestation of what all Caeli worked so hard to avoid.

I am not sure if you are aware of this, but the two sentences are exactly similar in their wording and meaning. The only difference is the ending of that sentence which still stands up to deliver the same meaning. And if it didn't, it still sounds repetitive to have two similar sentences stand so close to one another. Repeating the sentence for the second time does not really serve any purpose, so I suggest you take it out altogether or maybe rephrase it somehow.

Every infinity, a world is born and an with it, created with and for each other.

There is a word missing after 'an' and it kind of disrupts the balance of the entire sentence. It does not end up making much sense without this missing word, and I feel like we skipped over some important content that might have even been critical for our understanding of the story.

Other than that, I think you can improve on the narration a bit. While, I like the straight forward distant voice that makes it feel like you are narrating an age-old tale, I thought that the text was a bit flat at parts. This is mostly because almost all stories like these adopt a similar narration and it becomes a little predictable and bland for the readers to follow after a while. While you story was interesting, I thought that the repetitive narration took away some of the charm that could have been there. You have to hold the reader's interest to write a successful story and they have to be invested in the characters and the world you have created.

That's all!

Keep writing and have a great day!

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: This was an interesting little tale here. It was in fact the classic textbookish style, but I think you actually managed to capture some pretty solid moments here, it certainly proved to be far more interesting that most things written in the textbooky style.

Anyway let's get right to it,

In this existence, there are two realms. That of the Bleeding and that of the Divine. In the realm of the Divine are deities of Creation called the Caelum, countless in number. Led by the Prima Archana, they exist with a single purpose: to create and care for the beings of the Bleeding realm.

Every infinity, a world is born and an with it, created with and for each other. The Caelum becomes the patron of the world they’re born with, and it is their job to create and nurture life on their world. When the world inevitably dies after a single infinity, so does the Caelum, to be reborn another time. The strongest Caeli are those that create and sustain flourishing worlds within their infinity, with beings that worship them; the most powerful of them known as the Prima Archana whom the Caeli looked to for guidance - a powerful goddess of the sun, and time.

As with every infinity before, at the beginning of this one, a single world came into being. But with in came not one, but two Caeli - an event unheard of in all the infinities.

Each Caelum comes into being with an ability unique to them called a Cast(Affinity?) and as with the others, these two had theirs from the moment they came to be. The first was born with the Cast of Life, a deity of prosperity, life and joy; his name “Ethestes”. Ethestes’ brother was his opposite. Hladomor, the twin of Ethestes, had a Cast of Darkness, something unheard of. He would be a deity of fear, death and disease- the very opposite of the Caeli’s goal in creating flourishing life.

Okayy...this is a fun little opening so far. It seems vaguely resembling most fantasy realms with the classic sort of tried and tested situation unfolding there, but I think you've got a fairly unique spin on it from what I'm seeing so far, and this is coming together to make for what has so far been a cool start here. Let's see what more these worlds and realms have to offer.

The brothers became the center of the uproar throughout the Divine realm. Not only were there two born of the same infinity, but one of them was the manifestation of the very thing all Caeli fought against.

The Divine realm was in uproar. Not only were there two Caeli born within the same infinity, but one of them was the manifestation of what all Caeli worked so hard to avoid. The deities urged the Prima Archana for her thoughts, seeking her guidance. After a long moment of silence, she came to a decision. The Balance had brought them into this infinity for a reason, and they were to be the first Twin Caeli.

Bit of repetition that feels like honestly the same part repeated twice, you might want to do a bit of rephrasing on one of those two lines with the brother's born of the same infinity situation or it just ends up sounding a bit weird here.

Ethestes was quickly accepted, his strength evident from the moment he became. He glistened with power and light. His brother, Hladomor, however, was quietly shunned. Every Caelum remained wary of him, with Ethestes as the only exception. How could they accept him, when he was what they fought so hard to prevent? And so a spark of hate was kindled.

After creating a beautiful world, the brothers began to create the inhabitants of it. Seven descendant races were born. The Danhil, Renura, Miran were the races of Hladamor. The Oreyli, Erishka, Reikai and Nova were the races of Ethestes

It wasn’t long before living in Ethestes’ shadow began to haunt Hladamor. Although he had done nothing wrong, and his creations prospered, the Caeli continued to shun him. The spark of hate grew as he watched his brother become more and more loved.

Soon the brothers began to bicker and then fight, arguing about what to do with the world and who deserved to rule it. Hladamor allowed his rage to govern him and soon, all of his races began a ruthless assault on the light races. It led to an all out war.

Miran led the races of Hladamor, soon to become known as the Dark Races. Nova led the children of Ethestes and were known as the Light Races. After many years of warring and bloodshed, the battles finally came to an end, and the victor was Nova.

Okayy...this narrative is just kind of following a somewhat tried and tested method seen in these fantasy histories...the predictable creations, the wars well...I am not seeing quite as much uniqueness here, but I assume more unique elements will be added in with drafts moving along. For the moment, this is a decent bit of a skeleton of a world's history here.

Many generations of Novian Emperors and Empresses upheld the laws with iron resolve, and soon they became known as the most benevolent, fair leaders. Even the dark races began to trust in the Novian’s and fall into line, forgetting Hladamor and his demands for Chaos and Fear. All except for the royal family of Miran.

The Miranese King, Aldur Sgrios, had lived for centuries, as the Miranese do. He watched as his people were slaughtered at the hand of the children of Ethestes and his bitterness grew, feeling as though his Father Caelum had been wronged. Even his people began to forget Hladamor, wanting the peace that conforming to Nova brought. Aldur, refusing to bend, was soon shunned at the hand of his own people.. His status and titles ripped from him. He was thrown out of his home and sent off with his pregnant wife.

Hladamor saw and did not forget, even as his power began to wane. Without the chaos and fear he had stirred before, he began to become weak as the world forgot him. Soon, Aldur was the only one to still pray to him. Even as the Miranese king aged in his meager home, the decades passing, his loyalty never wavered and he continued to pray to Hladamor. His wife had died at child birth, leaving him with a young son, and one day his prayers proved to be heard.

Okayy..this is an interesting shift there. We go from the scale of worlds being created to zooming in on the life of one singular person. I assume said person must be rather pivotal to history in general here, but this at the moment seems a bit awkward there, because we've not gotten ourselves a situation where we zoom in so much more than what was happening and the effect is somewhat jarring.

Hladamor appeared to Aldur, and told him what he needed. That boy was the key to Hladamor’s return. He would bring the chaos, fear and desolation for the Dark Caelum , spreading his name so that he could again rise to power, and finally defeat his brother.

And so Aldur began to ready his son.

Centuries after the war, a pair of twins was born to the Emperor and Empress of Nova Mir. A daughter and a son.However, their joy didn’t last long. The boy, named Kane, was sickly, and from a young age he was quite violent. Unlike his sister, Edriel, whose hair was white as cotton and eyes blue as the ocean, the boys hair was black and his eyes a shimmering, almost unnatural, gold.

He wasn’t seen in public as he got older, and whenever he was seen, his appearance was one that struck fear. As the twins neared their 16th winter, the boy was seen at the royal ball (coming of age celebration) gaunt and wearing gloves even though it was the middle of summer. However, he didn’t look unhappy. Quite the opposite, a grin seeming to be plastered to his face, disturbingly so.

Okayy....well, on the bright side, this is now getting a bit more unique as we go along here. Its still the same old story of kings, but things are happening in some interesting ways here, and they seem to stand out from the usual narrative followed in such situations..and so far this seems like a history I'd totally love to read more about.

That night, tragedy struck. It is said that assassins had attacked the Royal Family just before dawn. Tragically, the Empress and her son were both killed, leaving the Emperor and Edriel behind. Both had suffered injuries, but Edriel the worst.

In the ordeal, the young girl had lost her eye and several of her bones had been broken, leaving her will a terribly crippled leg. When her and her father followed the somber parade for the loss of their family, it could be seen that the young girl’s hair had gone from stark white to as black as her brothers. The people on the streets murmured sadly for the poor girl, saying it had turned colors from heartbreak, losing not only her mother, but her other half.

Left alone with heartbreak, the Emperor began to pull away. The economy began to crumble, stores shut down, and more of the people became poor. Droughts and blights began to spread through the territories, destroying crops and killing cattle.Crime started to grow, and soon people couldn’t go to far from the towns for fear of the bandits that had become common on the roads. Hladamor began to grow stronger.

Okayy...now this is going along slightly more predictable lines here with everything falling into ruin but I can now also sense a bit of setup coming and I get the feeling we're soon about to be told why all of this history is important here, and what might be yet to come in this particular world.

Years later while Edriel was in her early adulthood, her father gave into heartbreak, passing quietly in his sleep, leaving the young girl with all of the crumbling Nova Mir on her own. But the young Empress didn’t miss a single step. Her mother had prepared her for the day she would become Empress since she was a young girl.

She had changed much since the attack. Edriel had been known for her playful mischievousness throughout the capital as a child, but it gave way to somber seriousness after the loss of her mother and brother; and yet, no one who knew the girl doubted her when it was her time to take the crown.

It wasn’t more than a few months before Nova Mir began to flourish under Edriel’s rule. The economy became stable, the markets were full of fresh, healthy fruits and meats. Stores opened all across the territories and the roads became safe again.

Ooooh a twist there....I was expecting this land to be lost a bit further and the girl to become important in a future...but I suppose this story isn't one to promise but rather a complete one and we end on what simply happened, which is well as predicted the girl fixing everything which I have to say is a bit meh..because its very predictable and seems somewhat anticlimactic after all the build up but then I love a ending where things seems to be heading towards the better so I'm not complaining too much.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think you've gotten yourself a pretty solid story here, with some elements that really come through quite well. There's a few places that need a bit more detail to be more unique, and the ending could perhaps do with some adjustments, but on the whole I do like this little tale. It was constructed pretty neatly.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry